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still fat....

I'm sitting here at 5am, after waking up at 3am and not being able to get back to sleep.

I hate this so much. I can't look in the mirror at myself, I freak out after eating anything, despite then realising it's way less than normal people eat on a daily basis.

I feel like a freak for throwing up all my food and pushing it through my body by taking too many laxatives.

I'm sick of cutting, and I'm sick of this controlling my life. I want to control MYSELF, not the other way around..

I just don't want to be fat anymore.


Today really sucked ...i was fine until tonight...i was suppose to be on a fast to get back on track and then everyone stated with the ice cream and i cracked...i know i had to of eaten like 2 cups and then like 3 bites of red mashed potatoes...and then purged so hpefully not much stayed. Tomorrow nothing but water and green tea ice cubes...if i can get past the first day i know i'll be fine...so 4 tommorrow...success...hopefully!
Today im like so happy..not having a scale at home anymore i still get a weigh in when ever we go to a store with a scale..im on a fast and have lost like 8 lbs..yay...still very far from where i need to be, if im lucky and dont screw up i can reach my temp goal weight by christmas...and thats if im lucky...but at this rate who knows 

Im back..and so is it :)

 Well i am back after a year...and having a baby and gaining like 30lb! It started again with the help of my babys father looking at me in disgust  whenever i eat , but in good humor he says...(i dont see it), so for the past couple of months its slowly returning....for the past week and a half i've kept my cal intake at 300..well except for yesterday..i binged and purged...does any one have any advice on how to keep for getting a sore throat? I've had to stop for about a week because of it ..i thought about antacids like before but i dunno...anyways i"m back and just wanted to say "hi" :) xXoxOXOxo



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December 2008


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